-So how long have you been at this type of work?
-Not long enough to be ready to stop, but too long to be willing to answer that question.
-Do you like it?
-Mostly the answer to that is no but sometimes I do, yes. Can we get down to business?
-Okay. But I'll say this. Your fee is pretty shocking. I know of people who would do this thing for a fraction.
-You could get it done for less but without as much safety. I don't know you from Eve and you don't know me from Adam, but you know I'm good because that's why you're sitting here drinking the bad coffee. My reputation is sterling because I protect it and if you hire me you know I'll get the work done with a minimum of fuss and no screw ups, and that I won't be back to ask for more cash if I lose some chips at the Indian casino. Also, by the way, there's no set fee. I computed it after I saw you.
-Just like that?
-Right here in my head. After I saw you. Actually as soon as I saw you walk into this cafe.
-Based on what?
-Based on your clothes, your jewelry, your bearing, your aura, the look in your eyes, and a thousand other factors I'm probably not even aware of, but that's the fee, the one I jotted on the paper you're holding. And it's final. You can take it or leave it. If you walk away now I won't meet with you again, not even if you change your mind. Not even if you beg and moan and say you went temporarily crazy.
-Do you ever refuse to do jobs? I'm curious.
-All the time.
-Based solely on appearances?
-That plus intuition.
-You don't ever refuse for moral reasons?
-I refuse if I don't want to touch the person the client wants touched. It's not moral, it's just a matter of personal taste.
-Huh. Your euphemism for the act I'm interested in hiring you to do is "touched"?
-Right now it is and I'm glad you find it so remarkable and funny. I love to amuse people. I studied to be a circus clown, you know, originally, but I was too scared of the lions. Maybe tomorrow it will be another, better euphemism, like scotch or play or beguile, or maybe tomorrow I'll just say kill. You keep wasting my afternoon and I'm going to charge you three hundred dollars an hour for the gab time, just like a city lawyer.
-Okay, should I fill you in now on the, ahem, the target?
-I like to say mark. We'll do that once I've gotten my half in advance of the number you have there on your scrap of paper. All in cash, small bills, unmarked, non sequential, yada yada, you know the merry tune.
-Okay. But aren't you at all interested in my, um, motivations?
-I know your motivation. It's connected to money. Someone is sueing you or blocking your promotion or standing in the way of you making a killing with something you've got to sell, a piece of prime Florida real estate or your grandmother's jewelry. Or someone knows about a dirty deal you did and wants a cut. Or someone is blackmailing you and you gave them a taste but now they want even more. Or your spouse is a spendthrift and a bad fuck. Or --
-Always money? Wow, strange. Don't people ever hire you to wreak vengeance for past slights? To tip the balance of the universe toward justice?
-No. Fuck ups holding bitter grudges tend to wreak vengeance by and for themselves. Because whether that classic dish is going to be served cold or hot, they like to impart to its making a unique and personal touch. It gets them caught, but hey. Luck of the draw. And sometimes the glove don't fit and the jury must aquit. So no, they never do hire me for universal balance-tipping. They hire me to get rich, protect an investment, or increase a bankroll. So is the interview over now and do I get the job? because as it says here on my resume I can start Monday morning early.
